Memorial preferences, also called last wishes, are the types of services and manner of final disposition of your remains you prefer after your death. Your memorial preferences include choosing between cremation, burial or another method of final disposition of your remains. Memorial preferences include matters such as whether you want to participate in organ donation. Last wishes also include such things as the type of funeral services you want, what type of religious ceremony or cultural customs should be observed, where you would like your ashes scattered or buried if you are cremated, and whether you would like memorial donations made to a particular charity or institution.
Memorial preferences and last wishes range from being very simple and inexpensive to very elaborate and costly. Some people use their memorial preferences to demonstrate their creativity, even in death. Stories about some of the most unusual last wishes are posted on our Unique Last Wishes page. Visit our Popular Last Wishes page if you want to leave instructions for final arrangements that are more widely accepted.
What Decisions Do I Need to Make About Memorial Preferences?
What should I include in my memorial preferences and last wishes?
(1) The name, email and mailing address, and phone number of the person or agent you would like to oversee and carry out your last wishes.
(2) Whether you wish to be embalmed, buried or cremated.
(3) What type of religious practices or cultural customs should be observed at your funeral and burial.
(4) Whether you wish to have a public or private viewing as part of your funeral services.
(5) Whether you wish to have a lavish funeral, a modest funeral or no funeral services.
(6) The name and address of the funeral home you would like to handle the disposition of your remains.
(7) If you prepaid for a funeral, cremation or cemetery plot, detailed information about any arrangements you made in advance.
(8) A detailed description of any clothing, jewelry or personal mementos with which you would like to be buried.
(9) The location that you want to be your final resting place or where your ashes should be scattered or interred.
(10) Any preferences regarding your gravestone or memorial plaque, including your choice of epitaph.
(11) The biographical information to be included in your obituary, including your date and place of birth.
(12) The charity or institution that should receive a charitable gift or memorial donation on your behalf, if you prefer a donation rather than flowers at your funeral.
(13) The names, email addresses, and phone numbers of the people who should be notified of your death.
(14) Instructions regarding organ and tissue donation and any arrangements you made with any institution regarding such donation.
(15) If you are a veteran or active member of military service, information such as your rank, branch of service, date of entering service, and date of discharge.
After writing down the above information, SIGN AND DATE the document. Pennyborn.com provides a free Last Wishes Planner which is a form on which you can write all this information. Keep your last wishes document in a place accessible to the person you want to oversee your final arrangements. Discuss the important details with this person so they can ask any questions and ensure they understand how you want the disposition of remains handled after your death.
Why Should I Let Others Know My Last Wishes?
Maybe you want your ashes buried in the Himalayas. Maybe you want to be buried in a Scottish kilt with bagpipes played at your funeral. Perhaps you live far away from your homeland, but still plan to be buried there. You might want a very simple service with no public viewing. Instead of flowers, you may want donations made to hospice. You may have a clever epitaph you want engraved on your headstone. Whatever your memorial preferences, they are unique to you. It is unlikely anyone can guess them and unless you tell someone, your last wishes are likely to die with you.
Another reason to jot down your memorial preferences is to help your family. It is extremely difficult for relatives or friends to plan funeral services and arrange the final disposition of a loved one's remains during a time of grief, especially when a death is sudden or unexpected. On top of that, your spouse, partner or children may be overwhelmed with managing your financial affairs or caring for minor children left behind. If no one knows your preferences regarding funeral services, burial, cremation, etc. it can be a tremendous burden to try to make someone's final arrangements without knowing what they wanted.
Despite how easy it is to document your last wishes, few Americans do. Try to bring it up in conversation with your partner, parents or friends, and you will rarely get a straight answer about what they want to happen when the time comes. If you press them, you may be met with suspicion about your motives for asking, and at the very least, you are likely to be put off.
In fact, it is surprising how many couples spend as many as 40 years or more together and never discuss their last wishes. You may have no idea whether your partner wants to be cremated or which burial option they prefer. For example, a husband may tell his wife he wants to be cremated, but doesn’t say where he would like his ashes scattered or interred. After his death, his wife holds on to the ashes for years, all the while agonizing about what to do with them. Because she is never able to decide, the decision will ultimately be made by her children, who are even more perplexed about what the deceased wanted.
With parents and children, there is a vast communication gap on the issue of final arrangements. Many adult children with senior parents have never heard their parents utter a single word regarding their memorial preferences. Perhaps it’s something the parent hasn’t thought about or maybe he doesn’t know how to talk about it. The adult child may be concerned about what to do if he has to make burial arrangements for his parent, but he is too uncomfortable to broach the subject, thinking it morbid. When the parent dies, the parent’s last wishes are unlikely to be honored because they were never communicated or included with any estate planning documents. The adult child must live with the guilt of wondering whether he let his parent down by making the wrong choices about his parent's burial or final resting place.
While some people make decisions easily, others find it very hard to make decisions for another person about matters as personal as cremation, public viewings or where to be buried. Unable to make these choices, they may let someone who was not close to you make the decision instead. If you fail to leave any instructions for your memorial preferences, the final disposition of your remains could be arranged by someone whose values are entirely different than yours. If you have an opinion about what should happen to you after you die, take a few minutes to write down what you want.
Free Last Wishes Planner
Visit our Free Estate Planning Forms page to download and print a free Last Wishes Planner. Our Last Wishes Planner is an easy to complete form which allows you to provide instructions to your survivors about your final arrangements, including your preferences regarding a public viewing, funeral, cremation, burial, religious services, headstone, casket, obituary, flowers, memorial donations, etc.
It costs you nothing to complete this form but it will be very helpful to your loved ones at the time of your passing because they will know what you wanted.
What Should I Do With My Memorial Preferences?
Ideally, you should communicate your memorial preferences to someone close to you. Let this person know where you plan to store your Last Wishes Planner and other estate planning documents. Ensure it is accessible to that person in the event of your death. This could be in a desk drawer, in a home safe that the person knows how to access, in your dresser or wherever you feel comfortable keeping it. Do NOT put your last wishes in a safe deposit box or another place that could take someone several days to locate. Your Last Wishes Planner should be stored in a location that may be accessed immediately upon your death.
Who Has the Legal Right to Control the Deceased's Remains?
It is very important to understand that writing your memorial preferences or last wishes in a Last Wishes Planner is not a substitute for any legal forms your state may have to authorize an agent to control the final disposition of your remains. Leaving instructions about your memorial preferences allows you to communicate to a surviving spouse, partner, family member or friend what types of final arrangements you want made after your death. However, the laws of your state control who has the legal right to direct the disposition of your remains.
When you make an estate plan, it is also important to become familiar with any documents you may need to execute to legally authorize an agent of your choice to control the disposition of your remains. If you want to authorize an agent to control the disposition of your remains and make your final arrangements, you may need to fill out a specific form adopted by your state, enter into a preneed contract with a mortuary or funeral home by prepaying for your funeral, or sign an affidavit in the presence of witnesses. Visit our disposition of remains page for more information and consult an estate planning lawyer licensed in your state for information on who has legal authority over your remains.
